Jeff's War!

Photo is from the upcoming movie

Pumpeperks of being a wallflower LOL

(ok I was inspired by the book, after I finished it last night, I felt he was speaking to me.  felt like I’m in front of the mirror - trying to talk to myself or I’m just so guilty)

July 21, 2012 Saturday

Dear Charlie,

I felt bad, never felt bad to myself, well as compared to how I felt when Professor X died on Xmen 3, Gandalf died on the Fellowship of the Ring and Dumbledore died on Book 6, it wasn’t that bad, not that level.  Or you know that song, when I’m bad I’m so so bad - ugh I know so gay!  This is embarrassingly bad that even if I try to think otherwise, I can’t.  It’s self inflicted, if you may, it’s all my fault.  I think for a while, your friends might put up with you and your crap and they will understand and let it all pass.  But some times they will not, and hate your for that. And it’s bad because I know, I might not feel what they are feeling or might not understand what they are going through, imagining myself on their shoes (and what I did to them), I might have done or felt the same thing.  I’m still really sorry and I’m feeling shit right now, I wish I could talk to someone but I think that will just complicate it more or I don’t know.  I wouldn’t even try.

Sigh, the after effect.  But really I felt sorry and expressed it, he might not accepted (yet) it and read it because it’s long and senseless but at least I admit that I am sorry and one positive note out of that - I can easily admit I was wrong and be truthful and apologize and be sorry and all of that stages of shit loads when you’ve done something crap.  And I said on my apology statement - that he is free to do or say whatever or do whatever he pleases and I will understand that.  That’s just a product of my demeanor and whatever it maybe I will accept it.  But of course I know it will hurt, for a while but I guess I need that to wake up and teach me a lesson that sometimes I do unnecessary things and that it smears off the relationship.  I also included that if he wants to say something bad, then express it, I think I could take that rather than being silent and not do anything which is really awful and slowly killing me on the inside because I don’t know what he feels really.  But I think this is it, I should be sorry and should be wondering and suffering after all I did that.  

Right now, I’m ashamed of myself that even he is that kind and understanding to me and looking back, did he ever do anything wrong with me? None. so there - I’m the bad one, I’m the rotten one and I should be suffering which I am now because I know he has read my apology statement but I don’t have his reply yet.  Well, it was long and boring and senseless - like the new terms and agreement when you purchase app from iTunes.  Like who would read a 50 page document, I bet 98% just tap on the agree button.  More than that, I am so bad, I want to fly away and be somewhere and not think and not over analyze and all of that synonyms of bad.

Hope at least I could get a - “I understood” or “let’s forget about that” because he is that kind of a person.  Or I will accept, “noted” as cold as that because at least he read my statement and that’s the coldest reply I could get but at least I was acknowledged and that again I brought this to myself so I should suffer more.  But I don’t want to lose him.  He’s one of The Best thing that happened to me, when I lost my 5-year job and finally got over HIM.  I don’t want to lose any people at this stage.  I am trying to keep people but unconsciously doing a not a good job retaining them.  Did I blew it this time? I hope not. 

Thanks

Jeffrey